First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
