sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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