thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
