I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
