Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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