I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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