Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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