my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
