Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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