Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
and you fell through a lawn chair
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
