Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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