i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
