I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
