i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
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Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize