Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Can't talk, ducks in the car
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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