Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Everclear isn't food dammit
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
