Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
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He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
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Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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