she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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