I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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