FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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