i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
