I didn't shave. On purpose
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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