There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
