a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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