And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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