so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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