it hurts more in the daytime
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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