Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
