party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
