where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
