glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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