Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
