Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
