I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
