You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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