All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
