You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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