I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
