...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
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My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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