He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
