so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
