When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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