The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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