my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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