What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
