the condom got lost in my hair
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
this beer tastes like vomit already
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
