she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
