I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
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I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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