i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
