I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
porn star boner night. come get it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
