hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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