foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
