You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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