I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
