this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
