I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
