I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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