My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
