I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
