I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
