What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
