Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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