i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
