I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
where does the pee come out of this thing
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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