I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
