he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
