the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
